Precious!

A Saturday afternoon, sometimes leaves one with a lot to ponder and deliberate about. Deliberate about those thoughts which were buried in the sub conscious or the relations which were always taken for granted. Deliberate about the shackles which were never felt or the imprisonment that was imposed without a prison!
This Saturday gave me a lot to muse as well, as I made a cup of coffee to sip during my utter boredom. I smiled, laughed, cried and even talked to myself without realizing about the hours that passed by. The moments spent with myself, gave me a lot to criticize and praise about my own existence. My life, just an ordinary piece of story suddenly seemed astounding to me. Amazed by my own emotions and passions, I comprehended my life as a tale not too meaningless!
What is it that gives meaning to it? Is it the motion which keeps me going or the passion to keep discovering?
These questions occasionally get answered when you dig the subconscious concealed by the apparently rational conscious. When you forget to sip the coffee you made out of ultimate boredom or forget what to write with your hands on the keyboard, it’s the time when the subconscious takes over. Though people criticize Freud, but my staunch support for the subconscious will never be withered.
Moving on with my self-discovery moments, yes I discovered a lot. A lot of queries, thoughts came up but when I closed my eyes nothing else but a figure came to my mind. The imprint was so strong that I could draw it even with my closed eyes. Who was it who gave meaning to my life and kept my soul alive? Was it an angel or an average person?
As the imprint grew stronger, I started to recognize the facial features. The features of an angel camouflaged in a human body. It was she, the one who has always wrapped me in her angelic feathers to save me from the abrasions of the world. It was she whose security cushion could get me through the toughest the world has to offer. It was, is and will always be my Mother!
My Ami! The one who kept my soul saved from scattering in the space, who made my life a worthwhile experience and gave meaning to it. I had never thought that it was the sheer existence of Ami which could explain the spirit of life underneath my actions. Each and every moment spent with her is a precious pearl safely treasured by the river of subconscious. The thought of her mere presence can give me the sense of pleasure I can never feel for anything else. When she isn’t around the idea of her charisma can brighten up my day.
I want to achieve a lot of money, career, passion…but all of this is significant only with her magnetic soul. I indeed! Treasure every moment spent with her or spent with the idea of being with her as my life can have an impact only with her existence.

Thus, I treasure all my thoughts connected to my Ami as she is the source of life for my innately dissatisfied soul!

Inability to Live!

When I go to a local market or a nearby restaurant I sometimes encounter my past. Yes! No matter how weird it seems I come across my past many times. Past, by past I mean the younger me, a 14 15 year old girl with an amateur and conscious personality. She could not understand the weird forces of the society which imposed certain personality qualities on her. The society imposed her to follow some strictly framed stringent rules as soon as she turned 15. Those petty colored dresses, pink rubber bands, gentle ways of communication etc. were not something she appreciated. She didn’t want to get out of her naïve attitude and camouflage herself in a well dressed innocent ‘beauty’. The concept of decency and feminine manners appeared lame to her.

Another shocking part of her life also began as soon as she entered puberty. Suddenly the world seemed to change. The faces around her were the same but their attitudes towards her changed. Those uncles who blessed her with their fatherly blessings unexpectedly started avoiding her. The outdoor activities which were a part of her daily routine vanished from her lifestyle taking away another portion of her freedom. The freedom to go on the streets seemed to fumble as well. She couldn’t enjoy the cool breeze outside her house, those weary brisk walks in the park nearby or simple rounds at the local general stores; couldn’t do it anymore, as people around her stared at her as if she was an ‘Alien’ with yellow feathers and head antennas. She wondered and wandered in her own thoughts that why people teased her for her mere presence sometimes.

Those scary looks by strangers sometimes made her heartbeat faster than a squash ball thumping the wall, snatching away a portion of her confidence from her. When fast bikes took over her with creepy guys making their faces creepier, she literally used to run to her house, losing another bit of her self-belief. Certain comments which made her feel uncomfortable with her own existence, shook off her soul. The crowd always seemed to be looking at her or rather piercing through her. Slowly she lost all of it; the confidence with which we she communicated, the assurance with which she won many small battles and the esteem which she kept her head always high.

Now, when she entered the street or a local eat out place, she could barely maintain her composure. Whether ordering a burger or walking across the road, her body shivered and heart pounded with the fear of an unknown. She preferred being at home and tried not to even go to school. Now even the cool breeze or utter boredom couldn’t force her to get out of her security shelter. When the local kids played cricket or tossed bushes to take some mangoes from the trees, she stayed inside her shell. She became a perfect woman with the perfect blend of inferiority complexes and amateur insecurity. She had the perfect reasons or rather excuses to stay at home all the time. Even the presence of someone else at her home made her hide in her room. The fierce girl with a fantastic bright smile somehow withered away with time and she didn’t even notice.

Then one day, she was with her sister at a hangout place. At that moment, unfamiliar with her own nervousness she chose to eat nothing rather than doing self service for the order. Her sister though silent at that place, pointed her trembling hands and fidgeting fingers later. And it was the first time the young she came across her own camouflaged personality. Why was she shivering? Why couldn’t she simply order her lunch? These questions made her shudder with the fear of realizing her own low self-esteem. The fear of an encounter with her own shattered persona took over her. That day she decided; to never let her existence be the hurdle of her confidence, to consider herself the best out of the lot and to kick the butt of those who lowered her poise. Since that day she never looked down upon herself, never let anyone conquer her dignity away from her and replaced her apprehension with confidence or rather ‘over confidence’.

Now whenever I see a girl sitting on the least visible bench of the park or hiding her face with her meal, it reminds me of myself though the one I was a few years ago…..
I was lucky enough to be pointed out by my sister who may be bumped into her own past when she saw me. But do all these girls have an angelic figure to make them confront their weaknesses? What about those who never reckoned that they were losing their persona in their endeavor to adjust with the norms of the society? And this question is the most horrifying one of them all. The lame norms of the society extract the abilities of these girls and the ones who commit this crime never even realize that they ‘disable’ someone forever. They grant these girls with the disability to never function at their pinnacle because of their lowered self-possession. And those who never realize their disability either live their life in their security shells or keep fighting with their inability to live life!

Clashes!

‘An appallingly unfriendly, cold, superficial and egoistic individual’ is the way most of the ‘men’ define me. They think I have a hell lot of attitude and I treat them like ….!
This horrible explanation of course shocks me and provokes me to rectify this crime, which I commit in my every interaction somehow!
So I decided to sincerely appraise the situation!
Skimming through the horrifying memories of the past I realized that almost 99.99999 percent of the times, I had CLASHES! Yes collisions with all the men I ever encountered. But the main issue is why? Why didn’t I end up being their friend just like everyone else?
The first issue could be that I’m a huge fan of a Feminist’s approach. May be I, implying a lot of modernist’s theories on men and when not getting the satisfactory response end up fighting. But when I intensely analyzed the situation, I found that it was not a true justification. Since I never implied my theories to my professional meetings. Though it doesn’t lower the theories’ merit or their status rather I never mix my professionalism with sentimentalism.
The second point could be that I was innately rude with an inborn attitude issue. Though the latter could be true but innate impertinence should have hurdled my friendships with anyone, isn’t it? And if that’s the case then it would be a ‘hasty generalization’ since I have a wholesome number of ‘female friends’ who find me superbly affable. Thus, this assumption could be easily negated.
Then as a student who has taken ‘human behavior’, my utmost duty is to examine this phenomenon a little more deeply. And after reviewing many hypothesis lets examine the premises through ‘social psychology’s perspective’.
Before getting to the premises I must define myself as a person first. As a girl I have always been accused of being tomboyish because of my unethical attitude with the color pink. My self-confidence has been misconstrued as over confidence because I never compromise on my rules and limits. And additionally others have acclaimed me as an egoistic woman because I believe in not accepting the mistakes I never committed!
After considering all the above attributes ‘social psychology’ explains my conflicts with the opposite sex as “Ego Clashes”. I.e. these clashes are not the fruits of my ultimate ‘insolence’ rather my self-love mistaken as narcissism hurts them internally.
Their ego is flattened by my indifferent attitude, which compels them to create artificial conflicts with me. These conflicts may be gets them the amount of attention that they think they deserve. But when they still remain futile in making me accept their dominance, they start over with being over nice.
The over nice attitude is always a sight to enjoy! Trying to get their self-esteem satisfied they in fact end up losing it a little more. Then comes in the extra-rude attitude, which is the most entertaining part. In this last shot they try to use their ‘ definitive power’ to screw anything which could benefit me. They might be successful sometimes in using their deviated political arms to hurt me and could end up in making me suffer to an extent.
But they can never break my Ego because it’s stronger than theirs. I’m ready to suffer whatever comes in my way in order to maintain my Self-respect and Yes! These collisions strengthen me a little more!

Is it the real YOU?

During my exams last semester, one day while cramming my notes I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a blunt, outspoken, straightforward girl with a damn care attitude, but with this look came a thought, a thought which clutched my mind and I just couldn’t get out of the strong grip! The thought was not so outrageous rather it was just a simple query i.e.

“Is this the real me?”

Yes! It wasn’t the real me. I’m not a person with a damn care attitude towards life, I care about small things; things like what would I do in the quiz if I don’t study? Or what shall I buy for my mother from the small sum of money I saved from my pocket money. I was a nerd; a nerd who studied hard day and night to get good grades and pretended to be cool. A cool girl who didn’t study at all and still somehow got good marks!
But who was I hiding from, why did I never tell anyone that how much I studied or why I wanted to mask my concentration in studies from others? What is a COOL personality? Who defined those terms?
Lets take a look into it from the perspective of a normal teenager who doesn’t know what’s in and what’s out!
We go into the university with high spirits, aspiring dreams, passion and zest to be something big someday. The ambience that seems so conciliatory the first day gradually throws back our deficiencies upon us. We are never appreciated for what we are rather always pointed out the way we should be.
The various definitions get their ways into our heads like whose Cool, Hot, Geek, Funky or a Rock star. A few things necessary to get into “The Elites” are not the money rather there is a whole recipe to be a part of the mighty agenda! The recipe includes a variety of compulsory ingredients like designer clothes (If you don’t have them at least pretend), English with an accent, a few top class gossiping qualities, highly artificial attitude and oh yes! You should be humble and sympathetic to those who are not the “Elites”.
To get into the circle of the Elites, all the girls and guys tighten their belts after few weeks of the university to gather the ingredients. They get on the nerves of their parents whose old mind thoughts become mind-boggling now. Girls go on a diet to get in their perfect skirt and the guys pretend to smoke even if they don’t know how to!

But has someone ever thought why do we have to fit in the already settled parameters for being the “Hottest”, in fact what is the Hottest or the Coolest? What is it for?
No, it’s not for success. Neither does it fulfill the aspirations that were bubbling in the students when they joined in nor does it actually make them different from what they are in real. It’s just a mask we use, which in terms of psychology will be defined as “Relational violence”. In literary terms it’s violence done by females to suppress the aggression within them but I believe it’s rather a term for both genders who participate evenly in this ruthless brutality of dividing people into classes.

What could be worse then changing yourself for the sake of something which doesn’t even exist?

Are we so superficial that vague gushes of artificiality carry away our persona? We; the greatest creation of God can change it’s thoughts, beliefs and forget his/her own identity for the sake of being a center of attention?
We see girls dying of Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia, young teens dying drunk due to speedy road accidents, smoking as a sacred ritual for the sake of attention and an addiction to lose weight, parents’ presence seen as a source of embarrassment in the “IN” circle and young teens sneaking out to make gf/bfs to check if they are in demand or not. The values with which we lived for years suddenly become lame in front of the individualistic approaches? Is appreciating those, who gave you birth, strength and support, not worthwhile enough to waste time on? Why do we change our paths from the library to the café for being eminent? Why do we make fun of those who wear glasses or are not close to a perfect figure? Why a big car and late night partying is becoming an obsession rather than recreation?

All we need to do is think! Think with the brain that the Almighty Allah gave us, ponder upon what we actually are and realize that we are not what the world defines us as, we are what our mind shapes us as. The world is making its progress to a dangerous end where people pursue the legendary trail without even questioning it for a moment. But I think it’s high time that instead of making movies like mean girls, teeny toons, never been kissed etc.. We focus on throwing away those fake, lame beliefs, which forge young people and overshadow their true brilliance.

Its time!

My Angels!

When I was young and vulnerable, my hands were small and fingers like ladyfingers. I was afraid of sleeping alone at night and my heart pounded when I saw a horror film. I couldn’t take a step outside my home since I was to naïve to cross the road.
The world was colossal for me to handle, but yet my world was a little wonder like a fairytale. A wonder where there were four fairies, yes! They existed and they exist even now to protect me from the ruthless world.
The first one to hold my hand was the Fairy Godmother, who held my hand, clenched my fingers when the world was not even visible. She watched me over when I was alone, loved me like a princess sitting on her throne. She fulfilled my wishes and I called her my Grandmother. In her hands there was love and affection, all she needed to do was touch me with her hands and make me secure.
We went outside to discover and if I fell she helped me recover. I still remember the ducks we used to feed with my Jam toast and the parks we used to stopover. She took me for a walk though I was ten times slower than her. She fought my tiny battles and never let me down. My desires were fulfilled without even a bit of hesitation and my tears were as precious as pearls due to her presence.

She was there, there and there and everywhere! To make my life a small heaven with

laughter and glee ubiquitously!

Then I started growing up, like a star of her eyes. I was like a princess, a doll treated with the greatest affection by them all. I never thought she’d leave me alone, never imagined the loss when she was gone. I was too little to realize that she was no more, rather just thought she was asleep. My mom, sisters and aunts cried and I just wandered without recognizing the precious gift of nature I had lost. She was ill I knew it well, but I was unfamiliar to the meaning of death. Now I think, how painful she must’ve felt, leaving those who she brought up behind, going to a world which for us is still undefined.

The second fairy is my other Fairy Godmother who took the pain even beyond imagination to give birth to a naïve little twerp like me!
She comforted me in her shelter, with her soft arms wrapped around my body to give me the blanket of coziness irreplaceable by any blanket in the world. She was, is and will always be the best Mom present in the world. She didn’t sleep for hours if I had a little fever. With her sleepless eyes she greeted me with the same fresh smile once again. Her eyes are enough to make my life bright and her one kiss can make my day.
She worked hours to please my massive appetite and record my favorite cartoons. She spent days to sew the best frock I could wear and brag about among other children. I can recall the weeks I took off from school with an excuse of “not feeling like going to school”, requesting her to let me not give the exams and taking money from her while she was on the phone. She never turned and scolded me for all the blunders I made, never stood on head checking my homework, she trusts me for whatever I did and still do and I love her for her existence!
Her mere presence can bring luck to my life, her eyes shine and they make me smile. Without her prayer, I believe I’m nothing but a piece of flesh without life. Drinking tea, talking life and discussing issues with her seems to fill my life, which is an empty bag of rubbish without her. She is there and this feeling is enough to make me face anything that comes my way,

Mama, I just don’t have words to express my gratitude to you for being my mom!

The next two fairies are my two junior fairy Godmothers! One is like a roof, which saves me from all the cruelties that life has to throw at me and the other one is like the four walls, which surround me and keep me alive!
I call them my sisters, both make me laugh, one takes me to places to discover the world and the other one makes me feel like a kid whose every little desire should and will be fulfilled.
I remember those times when I took their lunches away just because I was younger they didn’t say a word. We played and wrestled; they lost the race to make me feel proud of my stamina.

They took me outside to buy me ice creams and do my school homework. At the end of summer vacation the whole family used to sit and fill my homework copies. My art handworks were hand made by them lolzz! Life was amazing.
One used to clean the house and dance with me while the other taught me how to drive and dance in the rain outside. I spent days thinking that they were ghosts because they ran faster than me. And while playing hide n’ seek they will hide in the easiest place possible or sometimes right in front of me.
Now when we have passed the days of our childhood, I still feel as secure with their presence like pillars around me. They stand by me like two angels to protect and help me in my every matter. In times of sorrow I get confused to cry on which shoulder because by Allah’s grace I have many options to choose from!

These fairies have made my life like a small heaven on earth rather; my life is due to their presence. I don’t need pretty friends, best friends or even boyfriends because I have these four pretty ladies around me. Although my Grandma is gone but I know she is still around me, ready to guide me through thick and thin, I feel her presence whenever I am exalted and I sense her tears whenever I cry. My mother is there to help, guide, support and bless me with her heartfelt feelings, She makes me feel alive and a moment spent without her is a moment without life and soul. My sisters are here around me; I feel their arms around my shoulders and hands held tight whenever I need someone. They make me smile in the weirdest situations and teach me what life has taught them.
Thus, they all are the comfort zones, which protect me from the rashes of life, and keep my soul as soft as they can. They are the sheaths, which take all the pain to make my life painless.

Yes they are my Angels!!!

The color Pink!

"The feminine woman is forever static and childlike. She is like the ballerina in an old music box, her unchanging features tiny and girlish, her voice tinkly, her body stuck on a pin rotating in a spiral that will never grow" By Susan Faludi

For the past 18 years, I have been taught as a girl to be shy, honest, loving, caring and at the top silent. Loving as a human but silent as a commodity, a commodity which serves and serves and nothing is there which in return it deserves.
The atmosphere, the environment, the movies, and the relatives all guided me to be a subordinate because I’m a girl. A girl who studies to serve, marries to serve and who if earns is also to serve, her life should be spent to make others happy no matter what she gets as an outcome.
And the most weird thing is that I followed these norms, the norms of the so called experienced, the norms made from but against religion. The norms which sometimes make our women feel not human. I followed them blindly like every girl does in our society. I played with dolls, made houses, dreamed about pink dresses and tried to be a master chef. I didn’t care if this was what I wanted to do, didn’t bother if my instincts, my passions were suppressed somewhere dying to perspire.
Then I passed school, went to college but life didn’t change. Same old girls obsessed with the way they look externally. I began life there with an effort to pursue admiration for beauty, clothes, jewelry and desire to look the way they did. I forced to live a life where no body will call me a manly woman.
But as the time passed by I realized that I’m not one of them. Not the one who loves jewelry, who wears pretty bright clothes and certainly not the one who looks at the eyelashes and complexion rather than the real soul and expression. And yes! That was the time I discovered myself. I didn’t love the color pink, I didn’t wish to live a fairytale and find my prince charming who will climb up my braided hair. I wanted a life filled with adventures; I wished to explore my inner self. I’m not an object to be dressed and utilized rather I’m a full-fledged member of the human community. That was the time I started following my dreams.
Since then I have been challenging myself at every point of life and testing my stamina to the maximum. When people see me deviating from the stereotypical “girlish” standards they call me manly, when I cut my hair they call me insane, my efforts of independence are seen as obsolete by them. Thus they try hard to break my confidence and make me feeble. But I can see the hidden fear in them, fear that one day I will discover those strengths that every woman is supposed to repress, fear that my denial will encourage others to breakthrough these shackles of rules webbed around us. But don’t mistake this as my desire to break my religion rather it’s an effort to rule out those norms made in the name of religion.
I’m neither a feminist nor a member of male hatred community instead I like to have my share of space in the world, the space that every woman deserves just like any man. Briefly, I do whatever I feel like doing instead of whatever others want me to do. And if after going through this article you find me tomboyish or a manly woman then surely you’re influenced deeply by those stereotypes created by our ancestors to degrade anyone who dares to survive in this wretched world.

Foundation of relationships: Trust or Distrust?

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” Walter Anderson
Life revolves around either those you love or those you don’t. The foundation of love is trust and the foundation of hatred is distrust.
Human beings are born bonded, trapped and webbed in relationships. These bonds are strong and inflexible. Once these relations are clearly defined, begins the true tale of struggle. Struggle to satisfy your loved ones, to come up to their expectations, the effort to never lose the faith they have in you. Your whole life begins to twist and twine around them. Each and every second spent is a moment with fear of being left alone by those whom you love and the fear of uncertainty. This fear of betrayal makes the insatiable human to search for more. And then you wander and look for friends. Friends who without any conditions, any expectations share your sorrows and cherish your company. But the key to friendship is unfortunately also trust. You trust your friends, believe their each and every word and spend the best moments of your life with them. But the fear of being betrayed remains, the fear of being alone in the dark, of being left out and the key to this fear is distrust.
Again human nature takes a step further to eradicate this fear and there begins the search of that someone special. You leave those who love you in the search of love. Search of someone who will give you respect, will support you throughout your life and trust you for whatever you do. But the tarnished human nature strikes again in the form of infidelity for someone more lovable than the one we have. This time opposite sex attracts for an unknown reason and you blindly follow. The trust is broken and this time we name our uncontrollable desires as true love.
Thus we spend our whole life searching for someone to hold our scattered life together. We define different terms to make new relations and also to break the old ones. But in this struggle to find someone dependable what we are left with are only some broken hearts, horrifying memories and abraded souls. The search of fidelity when combined with human’s treacherous mind just leaves marks of distrust which accompany us till we perish.

Last day of Quarter and The streets of Lahore!!!

On 2nd March 2009, it was the end of the quarter for Luminites. So we thought to get ourselves out of the hectic University shell. We went out on the streets of Defense, Lahore.
The hot Sun, dusty roads, heavy traffic and crowded streets of Lahore challenged our morale and energy, but as they say the stronger the tide the mightier the fight...so our morale actually was being boosted with each challenge.
We took a bus to reach the nearest market and reached there in about 15 minutes.
Here it was the lovely y-market with loads of new stuff to check out.
After having a meal at McDonalds and some doughnuts we were stuffed and almost full to death. So now was the right moment to start our “window shopping”.
The pathetic laced designs were a little too girly for me too handle so I went to the next shop. There I found a couple of awesome bands and accessories. The next shop was filled with cargo pants and jeans but I already had a lot of them so it was better to leave this one. The next one had some cute tops but oh man! We were already very late and our bus was about to leave so we rushed to the stop and went home.

Life; what is Life?

Everyone defines it in a different but innovative way , which is sort of an amalgamation of their deep thoughts and their whole life .May be, from these little words we can assess their whole life, their miseries , their mistakes and their deep down soul .Sometimes this point also strikes me that what is life ? Is it a mere test taken by Almighty Allah or something deep down hidden within!
Some people have deep religious terms to define it and some have few infallible theories to prove it. But yet I haven’t seen or discovered any theory which can satisfy all my deeply carved queries. I don’t truly feel that the whole reasoning behind our birth, the creation of this world was only for the fact that God wanted to test us or (he desired to be bowed or his ego to be satisfied may be I’m using some wrong words here) anyways I find that He could have tested us simply by checking our souls or may be through any method as He knows better. But I think that He made us with a great logical reason .It is may be to empower our souls with the power to explore this world and to support us by creating some relations greater than creation itself, the whole world exists because of these relations isn’t it ?
Then may be God thought only good and loving relations will make man more powerful and self indulged or may on the top most self conceited so He created evil and iniquity to lower the ego of this selfish creation. So in a way he empowered us yet didn’t let us forget us that we are dependent after all!
Thus I find it quite disgusting to define life in just one sentence!
Like Shakespeare said,
“Life is like a stage and we are like characters (may be not the exact words)”
In the above given definition don’t you feel that he makes God kind of a selfish character?
When at least I read this definition given by one of the greatest learners on this mother earth I felt like a Prisoner acting on God’s orders which makes me feel rebellious!
But when I myself ponder upon life’s definition or its need I find God a very gracious being, He who made us or let us be so selfish if he wanted he could have imprisoned us here but he didn’t na? This shows that he not only owns us but he loves us.
For example in normal life we people also have the opportunity to have our children whom we treat just like God treats us. We believe we have true control over our children but, What if our children say that we treat them like actors working in our plays? We will of course feel miserable. Similarly, God must have felt so bad when we regarded Him as a selfish owner neglecting His graciousness, His love towards us, isn’t it? In fact, if He just wanted to satisfy his enormity by our religious practices why he would have let us free in this world.
My friends in fact, we people have become so selfish by the time that we forgotten the true meaning of our life. Thus, it’s not possible to define life because it’s not possible to even name the benevolences bestowed upon us by God, who I don’t know how is still feeding our selfish and eternally hungry bellies and lustrous minds! (Well even this is enough to show His graciousness and warmth)